Helping Abuse Victims Heighten Moral Emotions to Speed Healing

Jeannie came to therapy to sort through issues in her life and marriage and at first it was difficult to determine what the issues really were. Her narratives were very vague and she struggled to clearly describe her concerns. When urged to be specific about her husband’s behaviors, it became obvious that he was very controlling and quite possibly abusive. However, she seemed unconcerned and accepting — although some part of her must have known things were not right because she had sought out therapy.

Like many victims of abuse, Jeannie learned to ignore and disconnect from feelings of anger because they could get her into trouble with her husband. Those who have experienced coercive control, whether it is from adult partners, parents, siblings, or friends, often have coped by adopting submissive or placating behaviors. They’ve relied on the primal survival skill of hunkering down or “folding” until the danger has passed or to proactively avoid provoking an abuser. Passivity is a strategy that may have kept someone safe in childhood, but that leaves them exposed to further relational abuse in adulthood.

Moral Emotions Provide Wise Guidance

Emotions are evolution’s way of helping us assess whether physical situations are safe and whether relationships are healthy. The primary emotion of disgust should trigger indignation, a steely, righteous outrage in opposition to immoral, disgusting, or unjust behavior that is aimed at reducing the dignity or worth of others. (The Latin origin of the word indignation is “a reaction to dignity that is being taken away.”) Indignation, disgust and shame are called moral or prosocial emotions because they provide intuitive signals about what is right and wrong and help build healthy relationships and societies.

Prosocial emotions are part of our ancient heritage used to signal that a relationship is not reciprocal or may even be dangerous. Think: “Friend or foe?” The correct emotional response to unfair or immoral behavior is self-protective indignation and a desire to hold the person accountable. In contrast, secondary anger can have a connotation of out-of-control irrationality. While many may feel psychotherapists should be as neutral as possible, in situations of abuse where a victim is not in tune with her feelings of indignation that neutrality may be a clinical error.

Survivors of emotional or physical abuse generally lack awareness of their emotions, having disconnected from them due to childhood emotional neglect or relational abuse. Unlike many types of clients who need to learn to regulate their emotions, abuse victims usually need help to access and more deeply experience their emotions to help them understand the immoral behavior of their partner.

Interventions to Heighten Indignation

Abuse victims often under-report abuse, describing a partner’s betrayals or violence with a passive acceptance and constricted reactions. Clinicians should spot red flags, especially a lack of anger in reaction to clearly inappropriate behavior.

Victims have an inability to hold the partner accountable and this results in indirect language and vague narratives. They may make excuses for the abuser or even blame themselves for his behavior, usually because he engages in his behavior toward them. These are all opportunities to point out and educate on abuse patterns.

Abusers do not want to be held accountable, so they want the victim to be passive and indecisive about moral issues. They often gaslight, confusing the victim about what is reality or what is right and wrong. A major goal of therapy is to get victims to recognize the gaslighting and trust their intuition on the reality of a situation, so they can make wise decisions.

Because anger has been used against them, abuse victims often are very concerned about controlling their own anger, to the point that even healthy indignation is suppressed. Interventions can include observing the client’s lack of indignation and educating on moral emotions. Accessing prosocial emotions of disgust and moral outrage can empower survivors to tap into underused self-protective assertiveness and boundary setting.

To improve a client’s awareness of emotional experiences, focus on highlighting somatic experiences in the moment. After they narrate a frightening incident or hurtful comment by the abusive partner, ask them to identify the emotion and what it felt like in their body at the very moment he said the abusive statement. If they can’t, tentatively suggest emotions, especially moral emotions: “Hmm, seems like you felt relief that he is moving away? Or disgust with how he treated you? Or peace with your decision to get divorced? Or anxiety that he is moving back in with you?”

Then educate on emotions and their evolutionary significance: “Relief is a safety emotion that signals we are away from danger. What do you think this signals for you?” Or: “Disgust is an emotion that tells us something is physically threatening, like a poison or rotten meat, or morally disgusting, like disrespectful behavior. What does the word disgust mean for you in this situation?” Or: “Anxiety is an emotion that tells us we feel unsafe. What about that situation made you feel unsafe and what could you do about that feeling?”

Victims often have pressured speech and do not sit with content: Effective use of reflective listening can highlight what they say. 

Even when directly asked how they feel, abuse victims will often immediately mention how the partner feels or thinks: “He thinks I should…” This over-focus on the abuser is, of course, a sign of her need to cater to his needs to create safety. Clinicians can highlight and educate about this pattern: “I’m wondering if you’ve noticed a pattern that I see. Every time I ask you about how you feel about a situation, you tell me his opinion about it.” To deepen the experience further ask them to observe how they felt when you mentioned this pattern.

To help a client prioritize her experiences, clinicians may have to repeat this questioning over several sessions: “I don’t really care too much about his feelings. How do YOU feel about that?” “How did YOU react to that situation?” “What is it like for YOU when all your friends tell you to break up with him?” “What is it like for YOU when he says you are a fool?” “What do YOU think about him buying a motorcycle on a whim?”

These interventions are all part of the goal of helping clients heal from abusive relationships by strengthening emotional awareness, agency, self-identity, and self-worth.

Be aware that relational or narcissistic abuse can range from mild to severe and occurs in millions of relationships. It can include various aspects of control and coercion, including emotional, sexual, financial and physical abuse. Abusive relationships can cause the victim to experience other mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, self-doubt, low self-worth, and attachment insecurity.

Because victims often under-report abuse, clinicians must observe carefully for signs, especially the lack of indignation and other moral emotions.